How I plan to instill gratitude in Lylah

After posting an article yesterday on instilling gratitude and teaching that to children, I had to brainstorm on how Shannon and I are going to make that happen.  Shannon and I agreed that when we are raising our children, we are not going to spank.  I realize the controversy over this issue, and after she and I have discussed it on several occasions, it was a choice that both of us decided would be best for our family and the way we would like to raise Lylah.

That being said, I feel that the first lesson in gratitude here is our gratitude for our daughter.  I think many parents feel they need to be 'in control' of their child.  When I first started teaching, I was hell-bent on 'controlling' my classroom.  This created fear and tension constantly.  Students knew the rules, and respected me, but it always felt unbalanced.  I wasn't being expressive as a teacher, and my students certainly weren't willing to be expressive around me.  It turns out that there is more to life, and teaching, than fear and intimidation.  For a good learning environment, I believe children must be willing to take risks.  Sometimes they will pan out, and sometimes they won't.  There are lessons to be learned.  But if a child is too scared to take a risk because of fear, then what is childhood?

*that being said, there are times I have to put my foot down hard and make them understand I am not kidding around, or that I mean business, and generally this pulls them right back into line with my expectations.  But because they respect me as being balanced (I believe), they truly feel bad.  I am usually met with many apologies and low shoulders at the end of that conversation.

We respect that Lylah is a young person who will test us, make us crazy, love us, etc., but I feel like spanking her would create confusion and resentment.  Furthermore, I think that she would be confused, and wonder why her parents are hitting her, but she can't hit them back, or why she can't hit other kids.  We would rather just leave the entire question out of the equation.

That is not the only reason we don't spank.  Studies done by credible sources have shown that it does much more harm than good (http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx).  After being teachers, and watching Super Nanny, we have learned several tools in dealing with children that offer many more teaching opportunities than we feel that spanking does.  Super Nanny's timeout technique is pretty much setting the bar for how to teach and discipline children without spanking.

At this point, I realize I am getting wrapped up in the spanking debate.  If you read my blog, know that this is a judgement call based on our personal experiences and research, and how we want to raise our daughter.  

Going back to the gratitude issue - We want to teach and instill in Lylah patience and gratitude, but also leadership and speaking her mind.  I feel the people I trust most in my life have two sides.  They know how to show gratitude and patience, but they also know when to step in and speak their mind with little or no fear.  There is a balance to life.  There are great goods, but also terrible downs.  I hope that Lylah will recognize that this is the essence of living.  I want her to know that we always support her and love her, but that her decisions will make a huge impact on the way she lives her life.  Raising a child seems complicated; however, if you know your own values and know how to express those and teach those, I feel that your child will have a much better understanding of expectations and trust.

That being said, I have also read studies about the genetic component to how a child acts.  Many children grow up into a certain personality type based on their genetics and despite their environment.  

Ultimately, I believe it is our job to shape our child , however they act.  Some children are easier to work with than others.  Some have a moral compass built in and set for good things, but there is still teaching to be done.  Other children come out with challenges and confusion of the world around them.  Either way, I feel it is my job as a parent to teach.  I feel that teaching a child about the world around them will give them a much better shot of being a balanced person willing to contribute to society and have loving and caring experiences.  I may be a big sap, but I want understanding and trust.  I want balance.

A great book to read on parenting is

"Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting"

It's an interesting read about raising a child to be calm, eat well, and be a well-balanced member of society - not the center of everyone's attention.