Challenges and Opportunities

Today was a day of opportunities and challenges with Lylah.  Really throughout the entire day she was in a strange mood.  She whined a lot today.  First she wanted things to eat after her meal.  She may be in a growth spurt, so I provided some healthy choices.  She had cereal, and a banana and a half.  Then, later, she was whining when we wouldn't let her go outside when she wanted.  We told her our expectations for going outside, we weren't going to do it because it was too cold.  But she kept insisting over and over and over again.  Eventually we had to ignore her because we weren't going to bend.  Eventually, she got the point.

Then we went out to eat at a family restaurant.  We had Mexican food with the family, and Lylah was whining after we got there too.  We provided her with most of what she wanted when we got there!  She got milk, chips, salsa (she likes spicy food! Weird!), and queso.  I think she was whining because she wanted a little bit of mommy and daddy's soda.  She didn't get any.

After several loud whining's, and a stern warning, we had to take a time-out in the van.  She just wouldn't stop.  I explained why we were taking it and had her apologize when we were done.  When we got back into the restaurant, she showed several signs of improvement (quieter, less whiny), but she still was whiny.  We attributed it all to just a tough day for her.  She was whining off and on all day.

The opportunity came when I read an article yesterday about opportunities to teach.  You can teach a child during just about any moment.  We try to explain things around Lylah every time we speak to her.  We use normal phrases with her now, but incorporate simple things into the conversation.

During our reading time tonight, I read the words on the page, but also took time to explain most things on each page.  We read Dr. Seuss', "Hop on Pop."  There are many colors as backgrounds in this book.  Just about every page, we pointed out colors.  She hasn't perfected it yet.  She knows her colors, but is getting them a little bit mixed up.  I think colors is the next subject we are going to re-enforce with her. She is getting great at shapes, and speaking better sentences each day.

As we were leaving the restaurant, I had a daddy moment.  Some sappy song had just started as I was looking back toward the door.  Lylah's grandpa was walking Lylah out and I suddenly had a vision of Lylah walking down the aisle.  It was a small moment and made me smile.  She is just starting to speak now, but one day, she will be a grown woman.  I saw a woman through an nearly 2 year old, smiling and happy.  It was really strange.  Everyone always talks about how kids grow up so fast, etc.  And I have no idea why I imagined her grown up and walking down the aisle, but it happened.  My Lylah-bug... I better treasure every second I have with her.  Sooner than I would like, she will grow up.

How I plan to instill gratitude in Lylah

After posting an article yesterday on instilling gratitude and teaching that to children, I had to brainstorm on how Shannon and I are going to make that happen.  Shannon and I agreed that when we are raising our children, we are not going to spank.  I realize the controversy over this issue, and after she and I have discussed it on several occasions, it was a choice that both of us decided would be best for our family and the way we would like to raise Lylah.

That being said, I feel that the first lesson in gratitude here is our gratitude for our daughter.  I think many parents feel they need to be 'in control' of their child.  When I first started teaching, I was hell-bent on 'controlling' my classroom.  This created fear and tension constantly.  Students knew the rules, and respected me, but it always felt unbalanced.  I wasn't being expressive as a teacher, and my students certainly weren't willing to be expressive around me.  It turns out that there is more to life, and teaching, than fear and intimidation.  For a good learning environment, I believe children must be willing to take risks.  Sometimes they will pan out, and sometimes they won't.  There are lessons to be learned.  But if a child is too scared to take a risk because of fear, then what is childhood?

*that being said, there are times I have to put my foot down hard and make them understand I am not kidding around, or that I mean business, and generally this pulls them right back into line with my expectations.  But because they respect me as being balanced (I believe), they truly feel bad.  I am usually met with many apologies and low shoulders at the end of that conversation.

We respect that Lylah is a young person who will test us, make us crazy, love us, etc., but I feel like spanking her would create confusion and resentment.  Furthermore, I think that she would be confused, and wonder why her parents are hitting her, but she can't hit them back, or why she can't hit other kids.  We would rather just leave the entire question out of the equation.

That is not the only reason we don't spank.  Studies done by credible sources have shown that it does much more harm than good (http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx).  After being teachers, and watching Super Nanny, we have learned several tools in dealing with children that offer many more teaching opportunities than we feel that spanking does.  Super Nanny's timeout technique is pretty much setting the bar for how to teach and discipline children without spanking.

At this point, I realize I am getting wrapped up in the spanking debate.  If you read my blog, know that this is a judgement call based on our personal experiences and research, and how we want to raise our daughter.  

Going back to the gratitude issue - We want to teach and instill in Lylah patience and gratitude, but also leadership and speaking her mind.  I feel the people I trust most in my life have two sides.  They know how to show gratitude and patience, but they also know when to step in and speak their mind with little or no fear.  There is a balance to life.  There are great goods, but also terrible downs.  I hope that Lylah will recognize that this is the essence of living.  I want her to know that we always support her and love her, but that her decisions will make a huge impact on the way she lives her life.  Raising a child seems complicated; however, if you know your own values and know how to express those and teach those, I feel that your child will have a much better understanding of expectations and trust.

That being said, I have also read studies about the genetic component to how a child acts.  Many children grow up into a certain personality type based on their genetics and despite their environment.  

Ultimately, I believe it is our job to shape our child , however they act.  Some children are easier to work with than others.  Some have a moral compass built in and set for good things, but there is still teaching to be done.  Other children come out with challenges and confusion of the world around them.  Either way, I feel it is my job as a parent to teach.  I feel that teaching a child about the world around them will give them a much better shot of being a balanced person willing to contribute to society and have loving and caring experiences.  I may be a big sap, but I want understanding and trust.  I want balance.

A great book to read on parenting is

"Bringing Up Bébé: One American Mother Discovers the Wisdom of French Parenting"

It's an interesting read about raising a child to be calm, eat well, and be a well-balanced member of society - not the center of everyone's attention.  

Teaching Gratitude

Today I found an article on practicing gratitude - I found some great ideas about gratitude on "Theidearoom.net"

I think many people think poorly of children who are ungrateful.  I know I have a hard time with children who seem to get everything they want, and I have found that when they grow up, they have a really tough time with interpersonal relationships.  Shannon and I plan to raise Lylah to be grateful for what she has and when/how to give back to others without any expectation of return.  We plan to do this by teaching her how to be grateful and look at the things she has instead of the things she wants.  I like where this article is going, but implementing it will be something we will have to do by trial and error (like much of parenting!).

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Gratitude doesn’t come naturally to our children. It is learned. So, as parents, “Teaching our Children Gratitude” should be at the top of our parental to-do list. 

Good research has found that adults who are grateful report having fewer health problems (like digestion and headaches), more energy, and a greater feeling of well-being than those who complain. Most studies show that the more gratitude we show, the healthier and happier we are.

Can’t we assume findings would be the same for children? Children who express gratitude are kinder, more appreciative, more empathetic, happier and more enthusiastic. Grateful children understand that other people have needs and they look outside themselves. They are more polite, usually better behaved andgenerally more pleasant to be around.

Kids who are not taught gratitude struggle with feelings of entitlement and are usually disappointed, feeling that nothing is good enough for them. 

In trying to teach our children gratitude, parents have been making the same mistakes for years. Avoid pointing out to our children that they are more blessed than others. That doesn’t teach them to be grateful. When it comes to meals, don’t tell them “you should be grateful for your food, and eat it, kids in other countries are starving”. This won’t work either.

Instead…

We need to model gratitude ourselves. We must live lives of gratitude if we want our children to really learn to be grateful. That means they need to see us serve others, including our spouse, write thank you notes, say “please” and “thank you” and show empathy. That means we need to criticize less, complain less, and point out the positives, not the negative, in people and in situations. This includes our children and spouses. We need to stop complaining about our children (and spouses), instead tell them how grateful we are for them. We need to show gratitude for adversity too. Remember, children will, for the most part, do what their parents do. That is why gratitude has to start with parents, in our homes.

Say “No”. It is important for us to be reasonable and say “No”. We also have to be careful rewarding our children for everything. We want them to do good because it is the right thing to do, and not because they get something, like a new toy or money.

Give your children responsibility. We are always more grateful for things when we have to do them ourselves. The same applies to children. Give them appropriate responsibilities. They will realize the effort and energy it takes to accomplish them, and become more grateful for the people around them that do things for them. (Like their mom and dad.)

Teach your children to be grateful for adversity. When things are hard, or uncertain, or don’t go as planned, we need to teach our children to be grateful. To recognize the blessings that comes from hard things. We don’t want to teach, “we are luckier, or better than someone else”. Instead help children see what can be learned, and how we can take what we learn into other situations to help others and ourselves.

Role Play. Practice saying “please” and “thank you” with your children. Role play situations (grandma gives you a new toy, or someone pays you a compliment). During the role play, talk about how others feel when we show them gratitude. Remember, children aren’t thinking about everyone else. They are thinking about themselves, so we have to teach them.

Teach your children to write Thank you Notes.  Insist that this be done. Teach them that it is part of life. Organize a thank you note station in your home that is always stocked with papers, envelopes, stamps and crayons, etc. (Let your children see you sitting there often also). Start when they are very small by having them draw “thank you pictures” and then you write the words to go with it. Then move on to notes that have most of the words filled in. Have children write what it is they are thankful for and sign their name. By the age of 7 or 8, it shouldn’t be a problem for them to write the entire notes themselves. Don’t worry about perfection. Worry that they are remembering to do it. And doing it.

Point out the simple things. Teach children to be grateful for the creations around them, the seasons, the sunshine, the falling leaves and the rain. Children will quickly understand that there is beauty all around, and that it has come from something much bigger than we are. Celebrate creations. Jump in the leaves, splash in the puddles, and feel the sun on our skin. 

Provide your family opportunities to serve. Start by encouraging your children to serve other family members, and then help them find ways to actively serve others. Let them help as you serve others. They will learn by example. The goal is to give them “grateful eyes”, so they begin to for see the need before they have to be told.

With Thanksgiving on our minds, it is a great time to encourage gratitude in our children.

We're back

Hey all, we had to take a break from the site because of a domain issue between Google and the Blogger which I use to write this blog.  Google announced several months ago that they were discontinuing custom domains for free.  I had to go to a website to purchase the domain "Lylahsdaddy.com" - which I did!  I have just tested it out on this computer, but it wouldn't pull up on my phone browser.  I need to test it further.

Update:
Lylah Avery Green
22 months old
Fav foods: Spaghetti, bananas, orange juice, cookies

Lylah had a great Christmas this year! It was really her first year to be excited about the holiday.  We went up to Fort Worth for a couple of days where Lylah saw her Nana and Papa, I think we will have pictures to come.

Also, we drove to Atlanta from Fort Worth.   The drive was quoted at about 12 hours.  With a toddler, I always add about an hour to our total trip time when going far distances.  We made it mostly on our trip, but decided to stop in a hotel at about 8:00 on our drive because we were tired and wanted to get Lylah to bed.
We all had a very nice Christmas and have a video of Lylah saying her alphabet with her Mimi at the dining table on Christmas day.